Should a child share toys?

Not long ago I received a letter. It says:

�”Hello. I have two children, my son is 4 years old, and my daughter
turned 2. The son often offends his sister, greedy. we
recently bought him a car that he loves very much. He rides on
her home. When a little sister wants to just sit on her, he doesn’t
permits. But she is so interesting, the age is so. I constantly learn
son to share toys with other children, I explain that
right. But he still does not allow, shouting: “This is my toy!
Do not touch! ”How to explain to the child that he was not greedy? Husband almost
not at home, he works a lot. I am with kids all the time
husband does not deal with children. Tell me how to teach one to get along with
friend of our children? “

Хочу сказать Светлане спасибо за это письмо, за интересный
the question raised in it. This topic is relevant for many families.
so I decided to write this article.


Давайте разберемся

Many parents believe that their children must share
своими игрушками, что так right. If the son or daughter
If they refuse to do this, they are called greedy. Think perhaps
мы, взрослые, готовы делиться с другим людям своим мобильным
phone, laptop, jewelry, give them your purse or
car? Really, if we do not share these things, then we are greedy?
Of course not, it’s even funny.

For a child, his favorite toys are very valuable, as well as for
взрослых их личные вещи
. Therefore, children have every right
manage your things yourself. They may not allow others
children and even relatives to take their toys. It is their right, it is necessary

We are not talking about common goods. We do not discuss
we and those situations where you need to split equally candy or a piece
cake we говорим о личных вещах ребёнка, которые были подарены
or bought it for him. Only he decides that with them
do – share them or not.

If mom or dad are aggressively asking the older child to give their
a toy (or any other personal thing, especially a favorite one) to the youngest,
they seem to deprive him of the right to dispose of his personal belongings.
If we are talking about a favorite toy, it is natural that the eldest
the child will be perplexed and this will definitely lead to
jealousy between children.

The eldest son or daughter will be offended by their parents, because
they do not take into account his feelings.
Turns out that
the needs of the youngest child in the toy are estimated higher than
feelings of a senior who is trying to protect his personal
space and its borders.



Be calm if children do not want to give each other their
toys. Try to explain to both that each of the kids themselves
decides how to handle your toys. It can be done
something like this: “Son, this is your brother’s car. He does not want to give
her is his right. Do you have your toys too? You can
it’s up to you to decide whether to share them or not. ”

Teach kids to always share toys with everyone at some
degree dangerous. Children who are told to share with everyone
и говорить «нет» нельзя вырастают во взрослых, которым будет
difficult to refuse to other people, they will not be able to say “no”, not
will learn to defend their interests, they will try constantly and
everywhere to please others, even against their own interests, because with
childhood they inspired and educated that their needs and feelings are not

The other extreme to which such upbringing can lead
— компенсируя недополученное в детстве, взрослый человек будет
unnecessarily stingy where you need to give and share.

Tips for parents

  • Each of the children in the family should have their own toys,
    except general;
  • New toys need to buy kids at the same time. If a
    gave the elder a typewriter, then immediately buy the youngest what he
    like. Birthday gifts are an exception to this.
  • Set up a separate corner for each child or
    place / shelf / box / container where they will store their
  • Teach kids that common toys can be taken by everyone and played by them.
    Anytime. However, you need to ask permission from a brother or sister
    when you want to take his personal toy. Explain what you need
    respect other people’s wishes and respect their right
  • Teach children to ask permission to take a thing properly and politely.
    other or swap toys for a while. Explain how it is correct
    respond to a sibling refusal – teach with respect
    treat failure. Explain that everyone may not allow
    take your stuff. Tell the child: “Your brother doesn’t want
    who to share This is his right. This happens. You do the same
    sometimes. We need to respect his decision “;
  • What if parents bought one toy for all children?
    If a ребятишки никак не могут поделить её, будет разумно установить
    some game schedule for each of the children. For example, senior
    maybe how much he wants to play with her on Mondays, Wednesdays and
    Fridays, and the youngest – in the remaining days of the week. You can hang such
    schedule on the wall in the nursery (for older children). Not
    be sure to use such a schedule, come up with your own rules
    use a toy. It is important that time be distributed.
    is fair. No one should be deprived. Parents don’t go on
    concessions to younger children to the detriment of older ones. Notзависимо от пола или
    age, each of the kids has the unconditional right to play with
    a toy;
  • If a ребёнок не хочет поделиться с другими детками своей
    a toy, never attach the label “greedy” for a child,
    very disappointing and humiliating. Вы как будто говорите ребенку: «Not
    wanting to give your favorite thing to another person is shameful and
    badly. Ты должен!» Поставьте себя на место малыша и сразу
    вспоминайте себя в ситуации, когда вас просят дать ему ваш
    laptop, phone or clothes, and you refuse, imagine that you
    after that they will call a dishonest and stingy man!

As for Svetlana who wrote to me, in her situation I
would have done so – would have bought the baby a similar car or another
toy, where you can ride. It is worth talking to
son so that he would play with his car in another room where his
sees younger sister.

Let’s sum up

When children do not want to share toys with each other, parents
do not sound the alarm, take it calmly and with understanding.
This is normal and does not mean that something is wrong with the children.
These are their personal belongings, they have the right to dispose of them in their own way.

Учите детей спрашивать разрешение поиграть игрушками
another child, learn to negotiate, exchange toys, but
also respect the right of others to refuse. Explain to the kids that
you need to be respectful of failures, because every person
have their own private space in which no one has the right
to invade

Екатерина Кес (Буслова), детский и семейный психолог

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