Says child psychologist Irina Mlodik.
Chairman of the Interregional Association of Practicing Psychologists
�“Just Together”, Candidate of Psychology, certified
gestalt therapist, existential psychotherapist, experienced child
psychologist, author of a book on child psychotherapy.
The ban, in fact, is a kind of border that we put
child, in order to really protect him, mainly.
In order for the child to understand what is possible, what is impossible, where it is
Oddly enough, the prohibitions, despite the fact that they are children
perceived without enthusiasm, very often children react to them
resentment, irritation, anger, resentment, is important for the child,
because it allows, like any border, to calm down, to understand that
there is someone big and grown up who looks after me that to me
можно, что нельзя, где мне стоит stay. Therefore, in our
culture is now such a problem that parents who grew up in
a large number of prohibitions, they think that everything should be allowed
ребенку, ниwhen не надо ничего ему запрещать. It gives birth in children
тревогу, беспокойство, иногда «полевое» (1:13) поведение, when
the child is worried, running, as if he does not know where to go.
This leads to provocations, because then the child provokes
a parent for a parent to put this prohibition or frontier,
to understand: “It’s all right”, there is someone big and adult,
who looks after me, who decides what is possible, what
can not. Therefore, in my opinion, there should be some prohibitions, they
must be clear, concise and consistent with tradition and foundations
Very often, prohibitions are made by parents automatically. If a
try to talk about the root causes that a parent puts
ban to your child, then in my opinion, they are divided into two large
categories: conscious and unconscious prohibitions.
- Чаще всего родитель что-то запрещает ребенку, when хочет от
protect something. It seems to him that if he puts now
ban / border, then protect it: from the sore throat, if not given
eat ice cream or protect his life by prohibiting him from crossing
road to red light. These are very logical and understandable prohibitions, and
very logical and understandable reasons;
- Вторая категория – это when родитель считает, что воспитывая
child, we have to put bans on him, otherwise, what kind of upbringing?
Otherwise it is permissiveness, disgrace and the child will grow up without
feelings that it is possible that it is impossible;
- Another reason is habit. Родителям, when они были детьми,
their parents forbade them to do something, so now it’s the same
they forbid their children, sometimes without realizing it.
Much more difficult with unconscious bans, more precisely
Unconscious reasons why parents put these bans
- First of all, in my opinion, for unconscious reasons, it is worth
the fact that the parent hides some of their feelings behind this. For example,
he is annoyed at the child, offended at the child, and to express this
anger parent, sometimes, puts him a ban;
- Еще одна категория, when родитель завидует ребенку. Girl
says, “Mom, I want another dress,” and mom had few dresses,
when она была маленькой девочкой, и она говорит: «Нет, ты этого не
will receive. ” This is envy. A perfectly normal and explicable feeling
but it is important to realize that this is not related to real
- Parental anxiety is another reason for unconscious prohibitions.
A parent may not be so sure, anxious, he is so scary
life that he is ready to forbid everything to a child “just in case” only
nothing would happen to him. Here it is important for a parent to understand that “this
my anxiety, I’m so much afraid of life, and the child is not here
- The desire of the parent to leave the child dependent. We are not always
ready, then it grows, leaves us, spends more time without
us. And then we forbid him something, then just wanting to leave him
возле себя, оставить его зависимыми о us.
Unfortunately, the big mistake of parents is that they are something
forbidding do it in a very judgmental tone: “How are you not
Do you understand? ”,“ You did not understand? ”,“ How could you? ”, thereby accusing
child and shaming him, which of course is not useful. When delivering a ban
there is no task to show that he is bad and terribly guilty. Ban –
it’s a stop. Therefore, whenever possible, when setting bans and
designations of boundaries should not sound condemnation and, especially,
smudge (5:17) child. The better you succeed, the easier
child will accept this ban.
Children have three main reactions to our
- Very natural – it is indignation, irritation, frustration,
crying tears cry. This is a normal reaction to the ban. Why? because
that the child wanted something, you say no to him, he is frustrated
(his need is frustrated) and he is upset. Our task is as
parent, withstand these feelings and emotions;
- Adoption is the second reaction to the prohibition and the frontier. They
they accept him, calm down and go to do their own by deeds.
Sometimes they even somehow relax because at this moment they
understand that someone is monitoring his well-being, someone is taking care of
- The third reaction to the ban, the one that should alert us –
this is a manipulation. When a child tries to get around in some ways
our ban, pushing it, trying to solve between parents, when
mom has banned and he goes to dad or grandmother, still trying
get your way. On the one hand, the child’s attempt to achieve his
explainable, it is useful to him, because it is an important skill. But,
it is desirable that the child do it directly, i.e. go try
Mum prove: “Mom, it is very important for me to go for a walk with my girlfriend.
What do I need to do for this so that you will allow me? ”. When
there is a manipulative (7:04) attempt to achieve his (through some
whine, through some other actions), then this is for us, of course,
unpleasant sign and here it is important for us to educate the child, try
agree with him.
Children are manipulated when adults or themselves are manipulated and
the child sees this model, or adults are very harsh and tough, and
too many needs of the child are too often frustrated, i.e.
prohibit, then the child has no other choice, as
manipulate. Therefore, if your child is manipulating, then it is worth
look at yourself carefully: maybe you do it, maybe you
too often say no to him.
How to set bans:
- It is important to tell the child: “I forbid you to do this” and
opportunities to explain the reasons. There is a nuance when we prohibit
something to the child regularly, it’s not necessary all the time to explain the reasons
because the child already knows them perfectly and the next time we
just say no. The clearer and simpler the ban is formulated, the
easier it is perceived by the child. The explanation should be short and
clear. Read notations are not worth it, because the child stops you
hear and include transit: “God, when is it all
will end “;
- We make a ban without comment on his identity, without
humiliation, as we said, without embarrassment;
- It is very important to be able to withstand the reaction of the child. Those. when
the child is upset, crying, kicking her feet – our task is
endure. To endure it is important to understand that, firstly, it
the child’s reaction is natural, and second, to divide it: “Yes, I
I understand you are upset / you are offended. ” A child is easier to perceive your
prohibition because he sees that his feelings are accepted, but prohibition
remains a ban.
As I usually say to parents: do not put the border that you
не готовы endure. If you decide something to ban the child, then
think before that. В тот момент, when вы это произносите и после,
preferably not to change your mind. You can change your mind
only if the child has entered into negotiations with you, and
they ended successfully. Менять свое решение, when ребенок вас
selling or going agreed with someone else, not worth it.
In our life with a child should not only be prohibitions
but also a lot of love. If there is love, then it is easier to perceive any
bans and boundaries.
We also read:
- What can and cannot be forbidden to a child.
- Unnecessary bans: how parents spoil life for their children
- Why do children not listen and what do parents do?
- How to tell a child “NOT”
- 5 alternatives to tell the child “NO”