Parents always try to provide the best for their children:
buy expensive toys and fashionable clothes, carefully approach to
the choice of kindergarten and school, lead to all sorts of developing and
entertainment activities. The desire of parents to please everyone
the child is understandable, but is it benefiting him? And as in
may further affect its formation
Says 42-year-old Catherine, mother of two children: “I come
home to my parents and witness this picture:
grandfather tunes my boys a new game console, and
Grandma runs around with mashed potatoes and a chop at the ready,
trying to feed them with a spoon. Guys rush grandpa and excuses
from food. At the same time I catch myself thinking that it’s not annoying at all
the fact that my father again spent a third of his salary on an expensive toy, and
the mother tries to feed the children with a spoon, who are already quite capable of eating
on their own, but the fact that they are inoculated with the wrong food
stereotypes – you can’t eat in front of the TV! ”
Catherine is a doctor, her spouse Nikolay is a programmer. Children in the family
late, long-awaited, all attention is always directed to them.
�“We devote all our free time to the health and well-being of boys.
We buy only organic products, clothing from natural
materials of European production, we go to the doctor
exclusively in private clinics, kindergarten with us too
�”We are parents with an eternal sense of guilt and endless desire
give the offspring all the best, – laughs Catherine. – Doctors
we choose only according to recommendations, “in the polyclinic next to the house is not
treated and maimed. ” We buy clothes in brand stores. Products
– only organic, meat from proven farmers, grandmother’s vegetables with
cottages are brought. “
The guys are recorded in many circles: English, swimming,
рисование, карате, вокал… походы в театры и детские студии по
Weekends … We have almost no time left for ourselves. All evening
is dedicated to delivering children for all planned
events, and then pick up from there. I do not remember when my husband and I
the last time the two of them were going to the restaurant, to the theater, to the picnic …
Our interests have narrowed to the size of the children’s room.
�“For us parents, there are no theaters and restaurants, holidays
together We stopped visiting friends. Our whole life
revolves around these two little blockheads. It ends
when they get sick and play with new colors when they
When a psychologist tells Catherine and Nicholas, that
there is a style of education – “detsentsentrism”, they immediately
recognize themselves in the description. At the same time, agreeing that the family should
be balance and harmony between parents and children,
are not ready to revise their educational methods. By
the opinion of their couple, for the harmonious development of the personalities of babies, everything
attention must be given to them. But does it really go to children
What is the danger of “child-centrism”?
The first problem is complex relationships.
parents. Wanting to please a child, they begin to compete with each other.
friend, find out who is more engaged with the baby, spends with him
more time who bought the most interesting toy and the most beautiful
jeans. The situation is aggravated by the fact that time for each other at mom
and dad does not remain. They do not spend together leisure, do not communicate on
abstract topics. All their vital interests revolve around their son.
or daughters. Byстепенное отдаление родителей друг от друга и частые
Family conflicts can cause divorce.
Another problematic side is that the family
The policy of child-centrism harms the child itself. Psychologists
compare family relationships with the laws of wildlife:
�”Have you ever seen how a duck goes, followed by
do you have ducklings? Only in this way, and not vice versa! The duck knows where to go and
leads ducklings behind you. If the duckling turns the other way or
lagging behind the mother, then the risk of dying. “
The nature of the young of all stripes instinct is produced
follow the female because she knows where to go and where
lurks danger. This system is necessary for survival in the wild.
nature. Мы же в человеческом обществе пытаемся поставить baby
heading to the corner and follow all his desires. It’s awesome
the load on the immature child psyche: the child does not know what is needed
делать, но при этом пытается «вести за собой» parents. At the exit
мы получаем либо просто капризного малыша, либо baby с
The duck knows where to swim, where it is dangerous, where it is not dangerous, and ducklings do not
know. Evolutionarily developed that the cub of a bird and a mammal
adapted – intellectually, physically, physiologically,
psychologically – follow the female. If we are in the family arrange
детоцентризм, то перегружаем нервную систему baby изначально.
If the nervous system is healthy, strong, we will get capricious
baby. If the nervous system is so unstable, we may well
get impaired development.
How to find equilibrium?
So is it possible to find the notorious “middle ground” in the family?
Show attention to the child, without raising it to the cult? Take care of
him, not forgetting that you also have needs? French
Child psychiatrist Marcel Rufo shares his recommendations:
- Remember that parents are the main ones in the family, learn
say no to the child. Child who is around the clock
surrounded by parental attention and care, to which everything is permitted, not
feels free. As he gets older he will increasingly
try to escape from the “cage”. Hence the crisis of transitional age.
and teenage riots. A child who feels like a king in
family can hardly contact with the outside world and with
peers. �”A child who, on the one hand, all
allowed, but on the other – endlessly take care of him and do not give a single step
step on your own, as if in an emotional prison.
Sooner or later he wants to get out of it. You must be
ready for a teenage riot. He is afraid of the outside world, afraid
communicate with peers, and at home he considers himself king. ”
- Do not forget about your interests. the main objective
education – to prepare the baby for adulthood. If you will be
allow yourself to be selfish in some situations, he soon
understand that the world does not revolve around him, others may have their own
needs and desires, like his own.
- Pay attention to your spouse. If the child grows
in an unhappy family where parents don’t care, don’t think of each other
friend, he, too, will be unhappy. In the future he will not be able to learn.
competently build relationships already in your family. Do not forget
spend time with your soulmate!
- Set the boundaries of what is permitted. If parents
allow or prohibit the child something, guided only by their
momentary mood then he won’t be able to feel
confidently understand well or badly acts in one way or another
situations. Need for yourself and for the baby to establish clear
rules regarding the highlights of everyday
of life. �“The more predictable a child’s life, the better
for him. Set the rules so that the baby knows what will happen.
происходить в той или иной situations. They may concern family and
religious traditions, food intake, daily routine, allowable and
unacceptable actions and words. If this framework is not there and everything happens
as the adults want at the moment, the child becomes
anxious and insecure. “
- Не ограждайте малыша от реальной of life.
The child must understand that he is not the center of the universe, that
no one will fulfill all his wishes upon request that
always have to reckon with the interests of other people. Otherwise
case, he will turn into an egoist, a child-king. �”Child
must face reality, the truth about myself (“I don’t
very-best “), about others (” people around are not obliged to do everything at all
my desires “), that life is full of limitations and surprises.
If this does not happen, if the parents fulfill any desires.
child and even predict them if he never tests
frustration and no one denies him anything, it turns into
child-king, child-tyrant “.
Alexander Davydov about child-centrism