I think all parents dream of children doing
our requests that they listen to our opinions and
knew that if we were talking about something, it was really useful
and the necessary information.
But very often we are confronted with the fact that when we have something
we say to the child, if he hears us, he very rarely reacts. BUT
if it reacts, then for the tenth, hundredth time.
What to do? How to build such relationships so that the children of us
respected and considered us authority, listening to our opinion?
We read article obedient child for 10 steps.
1. Respect your child
No phrases like “You’re so-and-so!”, “Just like you!”,
�“How can you ?!”, “Look at others!” And other things that
may affect your child’s identity.
The human brain is designed in such a way that if we are someone
offends, respect for this person automatically disappears, and
hear already and perceive the information that the person speaks
insulting us is almost impossible.
In fact, this is a protective function of the brain. If we have someone
says something bad about us, we stop counting this person
authority. And accordingly, the whole value of his words for us.
2. Be a source of interesting information.
70% interesting, informative, new and only 30%
adjustments and some moralizing.
It is very important if you want you to become an authority for
your child and he really voluntarily listened to
in your opinion, you must keep up with the times. your child
must understand that he can address you in any situation
that you can always tell, and that you own the right for him
If you see that his focus of attention is declining, know that you
went too far in morals and in some information, not very
for him a minded person. Go back to the interesting information,
go back to what helps you build your
relationship with your child and, accordingly, the natural way
achieve obedience and respect for you.
3. Set an example, do not be unfounded
It is very important that your words do not diverge from yours.
I think that if you see any person who
declares to the public some very important truths, but then
learn that he lives completely differently, your respect and
trust in him will fall very sharply.
The same thing happens with our children. If mom is very long, with
teaches how bad it is to say bad words, and
then the child sees that mom is talking to someone or on the street for
driving, when it was cut, uses these words, he understands
that not everything that mom or dad says is important, not everything is worth it
follow because mom, telling me one thing, she enters
The classic situation is when parents smoke and baby
They say that you can not smoke. I’m not talking about what you need
come and have a cigarette with him.
But if your child is old enough to age
asks: “Mom, do you smoke badly?” you will say to him: “Bad!” if he
asks: “Mom, and you smoke?”, it is already a much better effect
say: “You know, really, this is a huge problem for me.
I smoke – this is very bad. I have such and such consequences, and
I really hope you never do that! ”
We also read: Что делать, если ребенок
smoking? Tips for parents
4. Do not ask rhetorical questions.
A very common situation, with which I, unfortunately, also
faced at the birth of her first child.
When we go into the room, and there again toys are scattered, or
when we come to school, and there again the teacher says that he is not
prepared for the lesson or did something wrong, or did not
homework as it should have been done, and not because
there was no time. BUT потому, что просто не посчитал нужным.
And the parent in such a situation begins to say: “How much can
once you repeat! “,” When will it finally end? “,” I tell you
already 180 times said! “,” All children are like children, and you! “,” Why are you
do you act like that? ”,“ Will it ever end or not
will it end ?! ”
What should a small child answer when they come to him with
such a sentence? �“Mom, you told me this 25 times already! On the 26th
since I realized that I would not do this anymore, and that it would no longer
will repeat! “
But this is not real, right?
Often, if the mother comes into the room, and there is not cleaned, and she
begins to say: “Again the toys are scattered, again things in the closet
lying around! ”, she says it all at the same time, and that’s all
collects. Because the child, focusing on these rhetorical
questions that do not require an answer from him because he does not
understands what to say, all further information he misses.
Moreover, he understands that mom can talk just for the sake of
what to say. And again, our words become for him
just a background. He only hears these first phrases, and further
concentration of attention absolutely falls.
Much better if you want a result, talk
clear and understandable sentences: “I want you to clean the room. To me
it will be nice, please do this and that! ”
Do not be afraid that this will seem authoritarian phrases. it
clear and understandable attitudes, what we want to achieve from our children.
If you speak them politely, children are much clearer and much more real.
find out what their parents want from them.
I want to open another secret that the same formula
will help women communicate better with their men because
Often, if we also begin to treat our men with such
rhetorical questions – how many times do you talk? – they are exactly
like children, we are not heard.
5. Do not expect the impossible.
Do not require your child after your first request
immediately executed all orders, tasks, and just listened to you
after the first word.
We are not soldiers, and our children are not soldiers either.
Moreover, I want to say that the brain of a little man under 14
– that’s for sure! – arranged in such a way that if he is busy with something – he
reads, he watches some transfer, he draws something or he
just sits and thinks about something – then his concentration to everything
the rest is very falling.
Indeed, the child is really doing something, can we
not to hear. While at us it causes a very violent reaction,
some offense, and in the end we repeat once, the second time.
When we already lose our temper and shout, this irritable
the factor is very strong, the child shudders, reacts,
starts to do something, and in the end it seems to us – the standard phrase
for many, mom – “You only need to shout so that you
did it! “
It is much better if you see that your child is busy with something,
come up and touch it. Such a tactile touch,
tactile appeal to the child immediately draws attention to you.
You come up, stroke him on the shoulder or on the head, hugged and
said: “Do this or that, please!” – a reaction to this
the appeal will be much faster, much more eager, and the child
will really understand what you want from him.
6. Do not manipulate feelings.
When mom is trying to get a child to do this or that
way, wants to call him pity, or, as is customary in us
talk, arouse conscience, telling him that “… dad is on
two papers, I twist like a squirrel in a wheel, still a little brother,
do you not see how hard it is for us? You can’t do
Elementary work – to do homework? “
Unfortunately, very often the feeling
guilt that parents try, maybe not even consciously,
call the child, saying that “… we do it for you, dad everything
It works so that you enter a good institute! ”
What’s happening? With guilt, a little man does not cope
can. He still does not understand this whole importance that dad walks on
work so that he has something there in the future. He lives
here and now, he is unable to endure and somehow regret or
somehow, perhaps, to accept all the pain that a parent experiences,
the whole burden of his life or some questions.
And the child unconsciously begins to drift away. His psyche begins
defend against what can destroy it. BUT как защищается
psyche? Ignore, unwillingness to communicate, the absence of any contact.
When we ask: “How are you?” – “Normal!”
So if you want to get some things from your children,
говорите им честно и без лишних эмоций о том, что «To me сейчас нужна
твоя помощь.» «To me было бы очень приятно, если бы ты помог мне.» «Я
I can’t do it without you now! “” If you can, I will give you a lot
Such things are much more effective than if we are trying to crush
pity and cause some guilt from our children.
7. Do not use threats
Sometimes, if our children do something right away, and time
running out, or we repeated the tenth, twentieth time, very many
parents resort to the fact that they are beginning to threaten: “If you are now
you won’t do it! ”or“ If you aren’t shut up at the store now, I’m not
I know what I will do for you! “” I will give you this … We will come home, you will be with me
get it! ”
What is the result? It turns out that children who naturally must
see in parents custody, care and protection, begin to see in us
threat, and act out of fear.
I don’t think any of the parents want him to have
fear-based relationship with children. Because if
our children’s obedience is based on fear, it always leads
only to 2 things:
- it то, что рано или поздно будет бунт, и в 14 лет мы получим
the full program of absolute disregard, gnawing, rudeness
already by the children. It will seem to us – where do they come from? But
this is all the spring that we squeezed such threats
disrespect, some aggressive behavior towards children.
- Or the second point – if we were hard at work, and our child was not
so strong emotionally at this age, then we just
In this case, it will already be respond not only to our threats
and succumb to them, but also to the threats of any people on the street. He will not
able to stand up for itself because he just has this function
upholding your opinions and your desires will be broken.
If you need to achieve something, it is better to offer cooperation,
some other alternative to threats.
Suppose, “You will do it now, mom will be able to buy oil in
the store, and we will make cookies with you! ”or“ If you are now me
you will help, then I will gladly collect together toys with you
and we can play something together! ”
Better even if we offer some kind of barter. Very many not
love for some reason this scheme, but in fact there is not scary that we
We offer a trip to the cinema or some presents in return for the child.
It is important that in the end, if we have achieved the desired, the parent did
the emphasis is not on the gift, but on what the child has done.
He did some action, tell him: “I am so pleased!”
�”So it was great!” “You did it after all.” “You are so good
it turned out – much better than I even expected! ”
If we act this way, then over time the child
he will understand that it gives him pleasure to please you too, and already
no additional mechanisms will be needed.
8. Be grateful
Very often, we perceive the good deeds of our children as
due, especially if they have already grown out of a very early childhood
In fact, it turns out that if he does something – good
an assessment, or something worked out for him, or he put the toys together,
made a bed – there is no reaction. Reaction from parents
the child sees only when he has done something wrong.
What is the result? The natural need of children is to please us.
Why? Because through the reaction of parents to the child
forms its attitude towards itself. Through this reaction occurs
differentiating him as a person. If he hears from us only
negative, this feeling of self as a person is self-confidence
the desire to be good, the understanding that you are important to someone that you
love, it is not filled.
In the future, the child can fill this function in other
places: on the street, in some company where it will be easy for someone
say: “You’re so good!” And then for this “Well done” he will
ready to do anything.
So thank your children, say thanks to them, and don’t
fear that it will be frequent.
I’m not talking about putting on a chair and clapping
for every spoonful of porridge eaten. But I’m talking about what it costs
notice the little things our children do every day because
in fact, what seems ordinary to us is often
work for another person.
9. Remember what you want to achieve.
Always remember what you want to accomplish by saying this or that
phrase to your child. Ask yourself – what is the reaction I expect? For
What am I going to say now?
If you ask yourself this, in many cases you will understand
that this phrase you are going to say solely in order to
throw out your negative, your irritation, your tiredness.
As we have said before, do it on a person
which is younger than you, whose mind is still more touching and much more
weaker than yours, simply unacceptable.
Therefore, if you can always ask yourself such a question, you,
I’m sure you will avoid a lot of conflict situations and don’t say
so many words you don’t want to say.
This formula sometimes seems to be just some kind of impossible dream.
This skill — the ability to ask yourself such a question — is truly
skill. When you learn to do this, it will help you not only in
communicating with your children. It will help you in communication at work, in
communicating with your husband.
Before each phrase you can take a breath inside and
ask: “This is the reaction now – what will it lead to? What i want
to achieve? “
Often this question, like a cold shower, relieves our irritation.
and we understand that at this stage we want to behave not the best
way that gives us the opportunity to choose the right strategy
behavior and communication with our children.
10. Do not expect ideal behavior from children.
Do not expect ideal behavior from our children? because
we will never get it.
Our expectations will always lead to irritation, to insult and to
displeasure. Children in life are exactly the same as adults.
will have its stages, its crisis periods: 3, 7-8, 14 years, while
would we not behaved, they at some time will say all the time
�”No,” they will snap.
All we have to do at this moment is to love them because
that when a person is good, he is very easy to love. Especially we
we need love precisely when we do not the best
I am sure that in the life of every adult person, if we
wrong, there will be at least one person who will always be in us
believe and say that “Yes, you are wrong. But I know that you are different.
You are really good, and we will cope with all the difficulties! ”
Therefore, I wish you to become for your children
just such people and then they always will respect you not
just listen but hear and gladly fulfill your requests
We also read:
- 5 problems of obedient children
- Comfortable baby. Is obedience always good?
- Obedient child: is it always good
- What if the child does not listen to you?
- How to rehabilitate a spoiled child (how to understand what a child
spoiled: signs and causes)
- Children’s caprice or egoism: how does one differ from another?
Video version: obedient child in 10 steps
If you want your child to not only listen to you, but also
heard, watch this video: